Digressions - Nihilistbear's Writings

Warning: The Fiction On This Site Sometimes Contains Graphic Adult Situations. If you aren't old enough to read the stories marked NC-17, please don't.

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Vaguely inspired by the rash of badfic hate running around Live Journal these days. And, just so you know I’m not just making fun of people, these are all things I have tried in fic. Well, some. Not the fluttering part, though. And not the cold seed and grasping channel. Because those things aren’t sexy, they’re just… wrong. But the super powerful Alyssa? Who hasn’t wanted to write themselves into a story and make everyone see sense? So, for your viewing pleasure, I present… Holy Bloody Fucking Hell, Batman! – An Homage To Bad Fic! Set in a wacky season six. Rated NC-17 for sexual content, language and just for being really, really crappy, out of character, over the top bad fic. With a Mary Sue, no less. Named Alice-a. Yeah, Alyssa. Which is nothing like the name of the author of this fic :: grin :: ~~~~~~ Buffy stormed into Spike’s crypt, not bothering to knock, but just kicking it so hard with all her Slayer strength it really should have come off its hinges. However, it didn’t, because it was really a masochistic door that liked being hit. Like crypt dweller, like crypt. Spike was sitting in his chair, drinking bourbon because that’s what Spike drinks, nothing else, and watching Passions, because Spike’s TV was only capable of getting one station, the “All Passions, All The Time” Network. ”Bloody sodding bollocks, luv/pet/Slayer!” Spike yelled, or growled, or possibly snarked. “You’re going to bloody destroy my buggering door one day! Cor!” Buffy rolled her eyes so hard they nearly ended up in the back of her head. She tossed her vanilla scented blonde hair and crossed her arms either defiantly, or angrily, or assuredly. “Whatever, Spike,” she spat, hissed and ground out through tightly gritted teeth all at once. “You’re an evilly evil, uselessly useless half demon thing anyway, so your door deserves to get broken.” “Bloody Hell!” Spike yelled and jumped up. Buffy waited for him to finish a stream of British curses, but he seemed at a loss for words. “Uh, bugger off!” he finally roared, screamed and hissed. “You treat me like a thing, and I want to cry about it!” Mortified, he looked over to the book sitting on the arm of his chair. “Did I just say that?” “Of course you did, you evil vampire thing!” Buffy replied. She brandished an identical book in his face. “It says so right here, in the badfic book!” Spike groaned in pain, hate, fury and arousal. “Oh bloody bollocksing, uh… bleeding hell!” Buffy threw her book to the ground. “I hate you!” she yelled and sobbed all at once. She raced, sauntered and rushed to Spike, then tore off his shirt. “Now its time for the gratuitous hate/pain/healing sex!” she yelled, moaned and panted. “So get naked!” “Cor!” Spike said as he tore off his jeans, because Spike doesn’t actually know how to remove clothing one piece at a time, and without tearing. “I love you, Buffy,” he groaned, growled and whispered as he ripped off her easily rippable shirt and leather pants. Because Buffy only owns leather pants, yo. And frilly skirts. But this was definitely a leather pants moment. It said so in the book. Spike threw, carried and pushed Buffy towards the floor, lower level and couch. He kissed her tenderly, viciously and with all the feeling he could bear. “Oh Buffy, I love you,” he sighed, sobbed and moaned. “I love you Buffy. It’s you I love. You’re the only person I love, you’re my everything.” “Jesus, Spike,” Buffy groused. “How many times are you going to say it?” “Book says I have to declare my feelings at least twenty times, but no more than fifty,” Spike replied as he shoved, pushed, and thrust his throbbing, cold cockdick into Buffy’s tight, hot, wet channel. He walls fluttered around him and she sobbed, wailed and shrieked. “Oh God, Spike! You make me feel so good! You make me feel alive! I need you! I have to use you to feel! Even if you mean nothing to me and never will, because I love Angel!” “You’re turn with the book, huh?” Spike asked. “How many times do you have to make me feel like dirt?” “Until you cry, you horrible monster! You’re not a man, you’re nothing!” she yelled as she punched him hard. “Ow!” Spike roared as he came, spilling his cold seed into her grasping channel. “Why’d you punch me?” he asked as he continued thrusting, because of his super vampire enhanced recovery powers, and because he liked being hit during sex. In fact, if he wasn’t getting hit, he wasn’t getting off. Spike only loves pain. Unless it’s a frilly skirt moment, because then he gets to be sweet. He continued to ride her hard, thrusting his ginormous cockdick into her wet channel at a furious pace. “Because - oh yeah, Spike, give it to me - I was supposed to hit you before the sex - oh harder baby, you’re so good inside me, even if you are an evil disgusting not-man - but I forgot,” Buffy replied as she bucked her hips against Spike. Spike roared, moaned and came hard screaming “Luv/Pet/Slayer/Buffy!” Buffy came as well, milking his cold but still sexy cockdick. “Here I come to save the day!” trumpeted a voice at the door. In walked the most beautiful woman on the planet, wearing the most gorgeous clothes ever, with perfect hair, and smelling like something almost vanilla-y but gentler, or sexier, or more maternal. “Who the hell are you?” Buffy growled, suddenly possessive of her catch phrase. Only she was allowed to save the day, dammit! Wonder Woman could go back to comic book land! “Now be polite, luv/pet/Slayer,” Spike admonished as he stood and checked out the intruder. He, of course, instantly wanted her, as anyone could tell, because Spike was still naked, and his ginormous cockdick was, uh, reacting favourably to Wonder Woman’s presence. “Now, Spike,” the most gorgeous, sexy, almost vanilla-y scented perfect woman in the world said gently, or possibly sexily, or maybe even maternally, “this isn’t the time. We need to talk about your guy’s relationship.” She smiled gently, sexily and maternally all at once, because she was just that good. “Okay, first of all, my name’s Alice – a. Alyssa. Which is nothing like the name of the person, er, power that is writing this scene, I mean, um, guarding this reality.” Even when she was flustered, Alyssa looked perfect. Because that’s the kind of Mar- ahem. character she is. “We don’t have a relationship,” Buffy snapped, mumbled and said softly with a little guilt. “He’s just really good in bed.” “I have no doubt of that,” Alyssa said as she leered at Spike in a maternal (which is kind of frightening), gentle, sexy way. “But you know it’s more than that, Buffy.” She walked gracefully, sensually and unthreateningly to the couch, where Spike was still naked, but Buffy had found her undestroyed top and a frilly skirt. That’s right, frilly skirt time, folks. Alyssa sat in front of them on Spike’s magically reappearing coffee table, to go with his magic couch. She smiled at the two blondes (with no ‘e’ for Spike, because he’s all man! Uh, manpire. Uh, male thing. Oh shut up. Let me get back to the story) gently, maternally and sexily. “Now, Buffy,” she began gently, with absolutely no accusation in her voice, because Mar- uh, Alyssa’s heart is pure, and so is her soul, even though she’s no doubt amazing in bed, and if this wasn’t a frilly skirt moment, she’d show us all, “You know it’s more than just sex with Spike. You went to him when you came back from heaven, because you knew he could understand your pain, even though he’s a soulless demon.” “Hey!” Spike protested, roared and said sheepishly. “I’m not a soulless demon! I’m a soulless vampire! Which just means I won’t turn into a psycho when Buffy has sex with me, making her become a frigid shell of a woman who can’t love anything!” “It’s not your turn to talk, Spike,” Alyssa admonished gently, maternally and sexily. “Let me finish this very important, world changing monologue, so Buffy will realize she’s madly in love with you and you can have happy, schmoopy sex. She is wearing a frilly skirt.” Spike was immediately quiet, because he knew better than to argue with Alyssa, since she was an all knowing, all powerful force of good, possibly even the kinder, sexier, more maternal spirit of the first Slayer, or a Watcher who knew that sometimes the Watchers could be too demanding, or maybe even one of those well preserved goddesses that forged the not-scythe that made everyone slayers – wait. Wrong season. Sorry. Alyssa cast a minor memory charm and everyone forgot the off topic reference to a seas- uh year, that hadn’t happened yet, because that would make Alyssa not perfect. Which, of course, can’t happen. “Now, Buffy,” Alyssa continued, in her musical voice, of course. “You care very deeply about Spike, and you have ever since he saved Dawn from Glory. You also had kinda lusty feeling for him from before, after Willow’s Will Be Done Spell, and you started respecting him waaaaay back in tha day, when he came to you and offered you the truce, which was your only chance of defeating Angelus.” Buffy gasped in shock, sobbed in relief, and smiled peacefully. “You’re so right, Alyssa!” She looked at Spike with luminous, non-red eyes and sobbed, gasped and said peacefully, “I love you Spike! I really, really do!” She jumped on him, lifting her frilly skirt so she could have happy, non-hate oriented, we’re-so-in-lurve sex. Alyssa smiled gently, maternally and sexily. “My work here is done,” she said without any personal pride, because that would be sinful and Alyssa is NEVER sinful. “Now I need to go save everyone else.” ~~~~~~ “Dawn!” Alyssa said maternally. “Stealing is wrong, and you don’t need to do that to make people remember you’re here.” Dawn sobbed, wailed and shrieked an ear-piercing shriek. “But I even tried flipping my beautiful, shiny hair at them! They still forgot about me!” “Don’t worry, sweetheart,” Alyssa replied gently. “They all love you very, very much, and they’ll work out their personal problems soon. So give back the toothbrush, and we’ll go have a milkshake.” “Oh Alyssa,” Dawn said dreamily, with a sob, and a giggle. “I want to be just like you when I grow up!” ~~~~~~ “Willow!” Alyssa said gently. “I know that you think you’re addicted to magic, but you’re not. You’re addicted to power.” Willow shook, shuddered, looked mournful and sighed deeply. “But the magic lets me be in control,” she said with a whimper, wail and frown. “I don’t know if I can break the habit.” “I’ll chant with you,” Alyssa said. “Together, we’ll heal your will, and you’ll feel better,” Alyssa said maternally. So they chanted, and it got a little sexy, because Alyssa’s always sexy, but when Willow got that look in her eyes, Alyssa disengaged herself with charm and efficiency, because she didn’t want to ruin the perfect love between Tara and Willow ~~~~~~ “Tara!” Alyssa yelled gently as she raced in a casual and attractive manner across the quad. “Willow’s all better now. You two can be together again?” Tara frowned. “H-h-how’d you d-d-do it?” she asked softly, stuttering every other word, because that’s how Tara talks. “We chanted, and I used my magic to heal her aura,” Alyssa said maternally. “Because I’m a very powerful Wicca, but in a good way, and I never dabble in black magic.” “Oh A-a-a-alyssa!” Tara said rapturously with tears in her eyes. “Thank you!” Tara hurried off to have hot lesbian sex with Willow to reaffirm their commitment to each other. ~~~~~~ “Xander, Anya!” Alyssa called maternally. “You two need to talk about things.” She magically produced two tickets to an isolated Caribbean island. “You’ll be there for a week. Go talk about things before you both do something you’ll regret. I’ll watch the shop and handle the construction site for you both.” “Oh, thank you, Alyssa,” Xander and Anya squealed before grabbing hands and running of to Sunnydale’s international airport. Wow, those things just crop up all over the place, huh? ~~~~~~ A week and a half passed. Buffy and Spike got married. Willow and Tara had a commitment ceremony. Xander and Anya came back from the Caribbean tanned, relaxed, and of course married, as the stress of all the planning for their wedding had nearly broken them up. And Dawn was being hugged, cuddled and pampered by everyone. In short, everything was perfect. “Everything is perfect,” Buffy sighed as she simultaneously cuddled Spike, cooked a gourmet meal, and made Dawn feel like an important person in her life. “I know,” Spike replied as he simultaneously cuddled Buffy, helped Dawn with her homework and did something manly, like fix the plumbing. “And we owe it all to Alyssa.” “Without Alyssa, I’d be in juvenile hall, because of my acting out!” Dawn said perkily, tossing her shiny brown hair as she did her chores, planned to wwork in a soup kitchen , and did finished her straight A homework. “Without Alyssa, I’d still be addicted to magic,” Willow said as she did something involving either a computer or a magic potion. “W-w-without Alyssa, W-w-willow and I w-w-would never have g-g-gotten back t-together,” Tara stuttered. She frowned sweetly. “I w-w-wish she could have fixed my st-st-st-st-stutter, though.” “I think it’s cute,” Willow said in a sickeningly sweet voice. She and Tara began kissing each other sweetly. So did Spike and Buffy. Then Xander and Anya showed up for no apparent reason and started kissing each other sweetly, too. Dawn wasn’t kissing anyone, but she didn’t feel left out because everyone was doing something to make her feel like she belonged at the same time. And Tara was making her pancakes in funny shapes. Then the phone rang menacingly. They could tell it was bad news, because the phone only rang like that when it was bad news. When it was good news, the phone rang “Ode To Joy.” “Hello?” Buffy asked fearfully, quietly, and in a take-charge kind of way. “Buffy, this is Giles,” said Giles, as he rubbed the lenses of his glasses all the way across the Atlantic Ocean. Everyone could hear the ominous squeaking. “What’s wrong, Giles? Is there a demon coming?” “Yes, “ Giles said worriedly. “A Glehsadfjkl Demon, to be precise.” Buffy frowned, looked worried and looked angry all at once. “What’s a Glehsadfjkl Demon?” she demanded, questioned and asked fearfully. “A Glehsadfjkl Demon!” Willow hollered, Dawn shrieked, Tara moaned, Spike growled, Xander yelped and Anya yelled. Because even if Buffy’s the Slayer, everyone knows more about demons than she does. “But Giles!” Willow said to the magically appearing conference phone. “Those can only be killed by asking the willing female child of a Slayer and a Vampire before he was vamped, raised by a powerful witch, to sacrifice herself to the beast! And she has to be pure of heart!” “Oh No!” Everyone gasped as this was revealed, even Willow, who’d known that was the answer. “Where are we going to find someone like that on no notice at all,” Buffy said mournfully. “I mean, even if I cheated on Spike, got pregnant, had a girl, and Spike vamped the guy, we’d still have to wait forever for the kid to grow up so she could willingly sacrifice herself!” “Here I come to save the day!” trumpeted a voice at the door! “ALYSSA!” Everyone shrieked with joy, longing, relief and little bit of sexual frustration. “You’re here!” “That’s right, and I will sacrifice myself to the beast. My mother was the Slayer before Buffy, and after she was killed, my father had himself turned into a vampire so he could avenge her death or something. I was raised by one of those Wiccans over in England that uh…. Never mind. That hasn’t happened yet.” Alyssa recovered gracefully, sexily, maternally and gently. “I can fulfill the prophecy.” “But Alyssa!” Buffy wailed. “You’re so strong!” “And Pure!” Spike roared “And Maternal!” Dawn sobbed. “And Powerful!’ Willow moaned. “And good with money!” Anya cried. “You doubled the Magic Box’s income while I was gone!” “And Wise!” Xander sobbed. “You know the answers to everything!” “And s-s-s-sexy!” Tara purred. Everyone looked at her in shock. “What?” She said irritably. “I am g-g-g-gay, you know.” “That’s my line!” Willow said angrily, then smiled sweetly at her lover. “But I forgive you, snookums.” She kissed Tara sweetly, and Buffy kissed Spike sweetly, and Anya kissed Xander sweetly. “People! Make out later! There’s a demon on the loose, and Alyssa is going to sacrifice herself to it to save the world!” Dawn yelled, recapping the last five minutes for everyone that hadn’t been there. Which was no one, of course, but whatever. Moving on… In a stunning break from tradition everyone listened to her. “Don’t worry, Alyssa,” Buffy said assuredly. “I’ll sacrifice myself to the demon, everyone will resurrect me, and then you can therapize me through being ripped from heaven again, and everything will work out fine!” “Or I could cast a really ugly spell, and you and I could chant me better after!” Willow said, a hint of flirtation in her voice. Tara glared at her and Willow added hastily, “with Tara’s help, of course.” Everyone paused as the two men and the two lesbians in the room enjoyed a little mental movie of the three hot chicks, uh chanting. Naked. “No, it’s okay,” Alyssa said gently and bravely, which was of course, sexy and maternal too. “I’m the only one who can do this, guys. This is my destiny.” Everyone accepted that, because there are some things you can’t fight with in this world, and destiny is one of them. So Alyssa sacrificed herself to save the world, and there were lots of spells, and swirly portal things, and the occasional extra demon, just to make things fun. Then everyone lived happily ever after, even though they all mourned Alyssa’s passing. The End. Other Standalones a href="mine.html">Choose a Different Series 21 March 2004