Digressions - Nihilistbear's Writings

Warning: The Fiction On This Site Sometimes Contains Graphic Adult Situations. If you aren't old enough to read the stories marked NC-17, please don't.

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Cartomancy This is the story of Spike, from the day he’s turned until the day he burns. Rated R-NC-17 The idea of using the Major Arcana to write a story is blatantly ripped from Willa, (although with her permission, so I suppose ‘borrowed’ is a better term) who’s using this to write a story so much better than this one, and it’s part of her Wes/Xander mind!wipeverse. Go read it; she’s reposted all the parts in order in her journal.(Live Journal User Name: Willshenillshe) ~~~~~~ 1. The Fool - Beginning, spontaneity, faith, apparent folly. William’s never believed in fortune telling, but his mother is passionate about it. It’s an odd thing to be thinking about in this moment, as this girl drains his blood. Mother and her tarot. Reading fortunes in the firelight, telling him his future. She’d never seen this, he was sure, him in an alley, dying at the hands of a beautiful woman just so he could feel someone touch him, crave him, once before he died. Later he remembers that the card she’d always drawn for him had been the fool, a new beginning. If she only knew… 2. The Magician - Action, conscious awareness, concentration, power He races down the alleys of London, Drusilla’s hand in his, feeling the night on a level he hadn’t known possible, so different from what he recalled. He sees her then, a girl like a hundred others, peddling her body on a corner. He focuses, hears the blood pumping idly through her, smells her unwashed body, and for a moment, he loves her. So he grabs her, shoves her against a wall, drinks from her, feels all of her in him, a part of him now. Her blood, in his veins, and he’s so alive he’s forgotten he’s really dead. 3. The High Priestess - Non-action, unconscious awareness, potential, mystery He has no idea what Dru’s doing, but his body knows. Her hands are… there… she’s moving them up and down, cooing as … there… gets… bigger. Then she lifts her skirts, sits on … it. He moans without knowing why, lies still as she moves up and down on him. But then – then something happens - he wraps his hands around her slender hips - pulls her down - he rises up - again - then it’s amazing - he’s screaming – she’s moaning. He lies back, stunned. She giggles. “Oh William,” she sighs. “I knew you were the right one.” He’s not sure what she’s talking about, but in this moment, he doesn’t care. 4. The Empress - Mothering, abundance, senses, nature His mother liked roses. Liked spring, her garden. Liked that song; it’s still playing in his head. Early one morning… liked mornings. How could he have forgotten how much she loved the sun, made her a demon who could never see it again? And her crawling on him, and he had wanted it, wanted her, and he has no idea what stopped him from taking what she offered, but a part of him, the small part that made him come back for her, is eternally grateful. He looks at the dust at his feet and mourns the woman he lost. 5. The Emperor - Fathering, structure, authority, regulation God… the burning… holding his hand in the sun, letting it peel back the skin, so afraid for the first time since he became a vampire. This vampire liked the pain, held his hand in the light and reveled in it. Angelus, Dru called him. It’s the perfect blasphemy; there’s no good in Angelus at all. Had Angelus’ mother wanted him, he’d have taken her, fucked her senseless, and ripped her throat out when she was mid-orgasm. He wants to be exactly like Angelus so much it actually pains him. Dru calls Angelus Sire, and William thinks he will, too. 6. The Heirophant - Education, belief systems, conformity, group identification Growing up as part of these vampires, William’s gotten to enjoy a reputation he’d never have imagined in life. He’s one of them, whose names strike fear in the hearts of everyone. The Scourge of Europe, they are. It’s fantastic! But he needs to break away from being William. So he changes his name, his accent, his style. He needs to be less of the poncy gentleman and more of the street tough, so he can belong, fit into this family, because as much as he likes to play hard, he has to belong to something, or he’ll go insane. 7. The Lovers - Relationships, sexuality, personal beliefs, values Dru’s lying beneath him, writhing, and Angelus behind, pounding into him, making each thrust into Drusilla harder. It’s amazing, this little world they create when Darla lets her claws out of Angelus for a few moments. Nothing but fucking, bleeding, hurting. He’d do it every day for the rest of eternity, just to be between them, them using him to touch each other. William would think it was wrong, but all Spike thinks as Drusilla claws his sides, shrieking, and Angelus slams into him a final time with a roar, is this is the only right he wants to know. 8. The Chariot - Victory, will, self-assertion, hard control No one told him it was like this, fighting someone he might not beat. He’s been a vampire for twenty years, and he’s always fought battles he’d win. Such is life when you have preternatural strength. But this tiny Chinese girl, wielding a sword the likes of which he’s never seen - she could kill him. One wrong step, and he’s done for. It’s all about control. Because he has to do this, has to show everyone he can do something none of them have ever done. He’s Spike, goddammit, and soon everyone will fear his fucking name. Starting with her. 9. Strength - Strength, patience, compassion, self-control He’s sorry to see this Slayer go. She’s led him on a merry chase, and he’s grown fond of her, as one does a pet. She has vitality, strength. A part of him just wants to have her as his forever, never stop the music, because she’s so fucking good at it. But he can’t; Drusilla’d have his head. Besides, the greatest part of the dance is the end. But he’s so close to offering her eternity. Has to snap her neck rather than drain her, or he’d slash his own wrist, make her drink. Keep her. She’s that incredible. 10. The Hermit - Introspection, searching, guidance, solitude This… this is misery. Perfect in its sheer, abject terror. Drusilla’s lying across their bed, torn to shreds, and Angelus’ words about an angry mob have come back to haunt him. They’ve taught him a lesson all right, but why did it have to be through Dru? She’s moaning and twitching. He’s bawling as he has to restrain her. He needs her. How can he live in a world where she isn’t? How can he be on his own? How can he not belong to something bigger than himself? He can’t. He has to find a way to save her. 11. The Wheel Of Fortune - Destiny, turning point, movement, personal vision She’s dancing when he sees her. They’re always dancing in his mind, but she really is, and the fluidity of her body is drawing him in. A flash of intuition; she’s a milestone. Kill or be killed, he won’t be the same when this is over. He shakes off the thought; it’s bollocks. She’s a Slayer, like the last two. In a week, she’ll just be another chapter in the legend of William the Bloody. But it goes wrong, and as he nurses his wounds in Drusilla’s too-weak arms, he wonders if maybe he’s underestimated… Buffy? What kind of name is that? 12. Justice - Justice, responsibility, decision, cause and effect He’s unsure how everything went to hell. Following what’s happened, he should have come out victorious, not a useless bastard in a wheelchair. It’s the Slayer. If he’d killed her that first night in the alley, he would have killed Angel with that stupid ritual, and he wouldn’t be here. The worst is Angelus doesn’t want him anymore. He just drags Dru off to their room, and leaves Spike to crave both of them. This wasn’t what he wanted. None of this is what he wanted. If he makes it out of this, he’s never coming to this town again. 13. The Hanged Man - Letting go, reversal, suspension There’s a hundred traditions he’s flaunting as he offers a truce to the Slayer. He wants Drusilla back, damn the consequences. He’ll tear the world apart to keep her with him. He forgets everything he learned at Angelus’ knees, flips everything around, because he likes this place, where he’s the strongest of them all; the world is his. And he doesn’t want to live in a world that doesn’t have someone like Buffy in it. He checks his thoughts, tells her his terms, and as they walk away together, he knows that everything’s different now. He can’t seem to care. 14. Death - Ending, transition, elimination, inexorable forces If he’d known he’d lose her completely, he’d have let the world fall into the abyss. But he didn’t know, and he downs his seventh bottle of tequila, wondering whom Drusilla’s fucking now. Tries to find it inside himself to care, but he’s done all he can. He’s raged, cried, found the demon within to hurt her like she wants, and none of it’s been enough. It’ll never bring her back. It’s over. He tosses the bottle aside and heads back to California. Might as well try the Slayer one more time and put an end to William The Bloody. Go out like a warrior. 15. Temperance - Temperance, balance, health His given himself a mission: find this Gem, kill the Slayer, and head off on a Caribbean vacation. Maybe he’ll kill someone for a yacht. That’d be fun. He’s sober; has to have his wits about him. No point in looking for the Gem if the Slayer finds him first. He feels… good. Alive even, like the first days when Dru’d turned him. Any doctor seeing him now would say he was in perfect condition. He’d agree, then kill the bastard, just for fun. Everything in its time. As soon as he’s killed Buffy, he can move on to better things. 16. The Devil - Bondage, ignorance, hopelessness He’s caged, and he hates it. For a hundred and twenty years, he’s ruled this fucking planet, and now he’s begging his worst enemies for a mug of blood. How did anyone figure out how to incapacitate a vampire? And so thoroughly? He’s less than nothing now. He can’t believe this is how it’s all going to end. William the Bloody, staked in a bathtub because he’s too hungry to care. Tied down, everything wonderful about his life gone, and he can’t even get free long enough to end it. This can’t be his existence. It can’t. But it is. 17. The Tower - Sudden change, release, downfall, revelation He can’t believe he’s fallen far enough to love a Slayer, and he’s been denied her. She’d left her home open to him for so long, but now that he loves her, he’s been removed from her life. He’s tried to make her see that he’ll do anything for her, bleed himself dry to make her happy, tear the world to shreds to make her smile, but she wants none of him. Now he’s alone again. There’s been no preparation this time. He’s lost, and no one’s looking for him. Sometimes he wonders if he hadn’t been better off in the grave. 18. The Star - Hope, generosity, inspiration, serenity He’s standing in her doorway, used to the barrier after hurling himself against it for so long. This is his lot in life, to follow her only so far, and then be barred from the inner sanctum. She murmurs the invitation, without the smallest threat, and he feels the magic fall away, knows she’s giving him something he’ll cherish. She asks him to protect Dawn, and he gives his word, surprised she’s asked. He tells her the truth, tells her he understands, as best as he can. She listens, and there’s a moment of peace before they walk into hell. 19. The Moon - Fear, illusion, imagination, bewilderment This isn’t really happening, he repeats as Buffy falls from the sky and lands on a pile of rubble. He creeps toward the wreckage, but can’t get too close because the sun’s returned. She’s just resting, he thinks, and soon she’ll stand, and all will be as it should. He can go back to worshipping her from afar. Pure dread grabs him as he realizes that she’s gone. She’s gone. For all her strength, she’s just a human, and she’s dead. Dead. He’ll never see her again. How’s he supposed to live in a world where she isn’t its axis? 20. The Sun - Enlightenment, greatness, vitality, assurance This isn’t real. It’s another dream, and he’s waiting to wake up to a world where she’s dead. All the others started at the tower, though. This one’s at the foot of her stairs. Maybe its moment she let him back into her life before leaving for good? No. It’s her. The gods have returned her to him, and he’s awake for the first time in four months; he sees everything clearly. The moment passes when her friends return, and he can’t bear to be there as they drag her away from him. It’s enough to know that she’s back. 21. Judgment - Judgment, rebirth, inner calling, absolution It’s more pain than he’s imagined. It’s there now; he’s a new man, and he has a goal. He’ll atone for all he’s done, and maybe one day he’ll stop feeling this remorse tearing him apart inside. That’s all he wants. He wants the guilt to just go away. He curls up on the floor of the cave, knowing he’s done what’s right, but hating every second of it. No one told him this… thing inside could burn him so deeply. One more sacrifice at the altar of his goddess, and he can’t make it stop. He doesn’t deserve absolution. 22. The World - Integration, accomplishment, involvement, fulfillment All he’s ever wanted is to belong. Belong to someone, be part of something greater than himself, because he’s nothing alone. He belongs now. He’s part of something greater, a part of a whole he can’t fully comprehend. He’s part of everything. It’s all connected, and he’s at the center. The fulcrum. He’s becoming ash, slowly, and the pain keeps him grounded long enough to look back, remembering the card his mother had always drawn for him. The fool. A new beginning; he’s brought this to its conclusion. His last thought is, I’m finished. And just like that, he is. Other Standalones Choose a Different Series 18 April 2004